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TW: Suicide/self-harm
So as some of you might be aware, i suffer from a number of health conditions but the most prevalent is my anxiety and depression which i take a SSRI for daily.
I was first diagnosed with depression when i was 16 after my father passed away after a second battle with cancer. I decided as the oldest of my brother and i, that i was going to be strong and put a brave face on things for everyone in my family. This was fine until a had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide. Thankfully, i stopped myself in time and i received councilling and was placed on a SSRI. After about 12 months, i came off them and thankfully, i was able to pass my exams and able to attend university.
Since then, i've been have an ongoing battle with the voice in my head that screams 'no one would give a fuck if you died so what's the point in living?' This voice is constantly shouting and most days, i can blank it out and carry on like a normal person. But as of late, the voice is getting louder and louder and it's getting harder and harder to push on. I tried for a second time to end my life this past Christmas but once again, i stopped in time and was able to reverse the harm.
I went back on my SSRI shortly after this and have been since then but that alone hasn't stopped the voice from trying to get to the front of my thoughts. I am exhaused all the time, mentally and physically, my mood is up and down like crazy and every time i see myself in the mirror...i hate the person i see. The overweight person, the person who has sleep apnea, the person who will likely die before his time, the person who has failed so much they can't even commit suicide properly.
I'm not sure what i was wanting to say with this post, i guess this is just myself venting and getting some things off my chest.
So as some of you might be aware, i suffer from a number of health conditions but the most prevalent is my anxiety and depression which i take a SSRI for daily.
I was first diagnosed with depression when i was 16 after my father passed away after a second battle with cancer. I decided as the oldest of my brother and i, that i was going to be strong and put a brave face on things for everyone in my family. This was fine until a had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide. Thankfully, i stopped myself in time and i received councilling and was placed on a SSRI. After about 12 months, i came off them and thankfully, i was able to pass my exams and able to attend university.
Since then, i've been have an ongoing battle with the voice in my head that screams 'no one would give a fuck if you died so what's the point in living?' This voice is constantly shouting and most days, i can blank it out and carry on like a normal person. But as of late, the voice is getting louder and louder and it's getting harder and harder to push on. I tried for a second time to end my life this past Christmas but once again, i stopped in time and was able to reverse the harm.
I went back on my SSRI shortly after this and have been since then but that alone hasn't stopped the voice from trying to get to the front of my thoughts. I am exhaused all the time, mentally and physically, my mood is up and down like crazy and every time i see myself in the mirror...i hate the person i see. The overweight person, the person who has sleep apnea, the person who will likely die before his time, the person who has failed so much they can't even commit suicide properly.
I'm not sure what i was wanting to say with this post, i guess this is just myself venting and getting some things off my chest.
